Hi All! Sorry I haven't written. Don't really feel much like talking. Not really sure why. Well, maybe I know a little. Friday was Christy's birthday and with having just heard from Neil I'm back in quite a funk.

Anyway, Saturday night I had a dream about learning of their engagement. That coupled with the fact everyone around me seems to be in love (some sickeningly, like my sister who's at her boyfriends for the 5th straight night in a row and some just on the verge of love), well it has me a little down. Or maybe alot down. There's a line from a Bryan White song that keeps coming to mind "seems like everyone's in love, everyone but me.". Now, don't get me wrong, I don't begrudge anyone falling in love (and God knows some of the people who are on the verge or submerged deserve it more than anyone I know). It's just I'm in love too. Unfort. with someone who doesn't/didn't/and won't love me and is "in love" with someone else (well, I highly doubt he is inlove with the wench, but you never know. Maybe they were destined to be together and my only role was to serve as the catalyst in their relationship). Also, I called him Wed. (and left a message) true to form, haven't heard from him at all since. Sometimes you stop and take a look at your life and wonder why. Why you've done the things you've done; why certain things happened and what would've happened had, in those moments of "crossroads" you'd chosen differently.

Would I still be living in Marlton, hating my life and not knowing how to change it? Would I have ended up here no matter what? Same heartache and emptiness, different guy? Or would I already be wherever the hell it is I'm supposed to "be"in life, but instead I've taken the long slow road. And, do I ever get there? Or do I just stay here making bad decisions and living miserably until I die? Having nothing to look back on my life and say "thank god I did that." And I'm not talking about attitude. I don't mean looking at my life and saying, "Gee, I moved home to Marlton and worked way beyond my skill level in a job that I dreaded every day, retired from that job and lived in that house in Marlton until I was 95 and died alone. Gee I'm glad I did that. I had a wonderful life, with two cats, a rocking chair, a garden, and some nieces and nephews." But feeling fulfilled from a life I feel was lived full of love, happiness, success, and acheivement and the above mentioned wouldn't ever give me that. When do the feelings of hatred, anguish, torment, sadness, cynicism, and utter disgust for the world and the things in it go away? I've tried releasing them; tried finding the joy in my day, but there isn't any.Even Fred, my gorundhog has stopped coming around. So, I don't think it's as simple as wishing them away, or keeping a positive attitude. The FEELINGS come whether I try all the above or not. What I'm really afraid of is that these feelings I have will never go away.

Take my Dad. He spent 5 hours on the phone with Comcast today trying to fix our internet connection. He yells and screams alot, and little things in life set him off. It calls for a very tense house. You walk around on eggshells never knowing what might set him off, and you can never tell him he's wrong. Life hasn't done my father any favors. At 18 he was sent to a foreign country and forced to face unimaginable things. He's been through a slew of jobs and every decision he makes seems to end up the worse of the two. He tries hard and cares so much, but now, at 50 something (I honestly forget how many somethings) he's gotta look at the way his life turned out and say , "Why?" Why do I work so hard and never have any money? Why does every decision I make turn into a bad one? Why am I always in the wrong place at the wrong time (i.e. Vietnam, WTC)?

Some people may say he's got to move forward and forget about the past. To not dwell on the Whys, but to figure out what's next? Well, I'm really starting to believe that's a bunch of crap. Truth is, those things will happen to him no matter what...and you can only not take that into account for so long. Maybe he's supposed to learn something from all this. Oh really? Learn what exactly? How come everything in life has to be positive? How come in everyone's mind there is s reason...and it ends up GREAT in the end. What about the homeless person who dies alone and cold on the street? Or the children starving because of decisions their governement made? Most of these children grow up, have kids, and die berfore they turn 30- leaving behind a legacy of starvation to their kids. Who's to say EVERYONE'S life has a happy ending? And why,would God put us on this Earth to live a live of disappointment and hurt?

What if life never gets any better than this? What if my best days are behind me and all that's left is what I have right now? What if THIS is what my plan was to catapult others ahead in life? (Not that you guys don't count as good things, but if I keep feeling mean, cynical and hateful...how much longer will you all stay around.) Why, just when I'd come to some peace about Neil did he have to pop back up bringing all this baggage with him? And why, no matter how I try, can I not get rid of it? The happiest I ever am is when something reminds me of him and I feel overwhelmed with love. But, the split second later comes the hurt. It's been over a year now since he first told me he and Christy were going to Disney together. Everyday since then I've hurt over him. Every day for a year. And ever since January, everyday feels worse than the day before...even now (Kare, I swear to you if you break into Barry Manilow, I'm gonna scream. :) ). I'm still plagued by "nightmares", my heart still aches 24/7, and I still find myself biting my lip to stop the crying (or just giving in as I have for the last couple of weeks - try driving the Schykill all fuzzy from tears!) at least 15 times a day. I've gotten better at faking it, but some days/weeks I just don't have the energy to "put on a happy face" and walk around believe that somehow it gets better from here. Because honestly, I don't believe it does.