I''m not ready. Just thought I'd let you all know. One voice from the past and thoughts of the future and my poor little emotions are in turmoil, yet again.

I just can't picture me with another person. It's weird. I thought I had gotten used to the idea of being alone, but I guess I haven't, not really. And I thought I KNEW right from the beginning of the end there was no other chance, but I guess I didn't, not really.

I heard a Garth Brooks song on the radio today about "learning to live again" and I found myself bawling my eyes out and trying to keep from hyperventilating. The idea of dating, going through this all over again from the beginning, with this as an ending is just too much. And maybe not everyone is SUPPOSED to end up with someone...maybe I'm just one of those people.

But I'm not sure I believe that, not really.

And is official as of yesterday, I'm the last single person I know. The only one without a "date" on "date night". I don't even have a city! :) (For those of you who watched the SITC premiere) And now, I don't even have a name to go back to, or messages to listen to over and over...no non-relationship to "participate in", or a baby to care for. (Again, SITC) Pretty soon, people "my age" are gonna be on their second time around. And no offense to those to whom love has no stipulations, but I don't want someone the second time around. I want someone who's gonna figure it out with me. At least if I had a career, people would say "well, she worked to hard and is starting to late" but I'd have a career and something to throw my love and energy into; bad taste in men is no excuse for anything except heartache.

And I don't want to tempt my bad taste again, not really. (with each one hurting me worse than the one before and no "good" relationships/breakups to speak of, who knows what I'll get next time)

But I don't know that I really want to give in to the idea of being alone. I was talking to my mother today about my grandfather. He seems lately to always be putting my grandmother down. (Hard to believe with what she's going through, isn't it) My mom called her last night and mentioned it. "He's hit his stress point." My grandmother said. He doesn't know what to do to help and he's afraid of losing her and being alone. It's his way of coping. "You all can't see it, but I see it. His stress level has reached the end of his rope." (Chalk another point up for sainthood for my grandmother) I know how he feels. Being alone sucks. For him, he's been with her for 56 years. What do you do when you're alone after 56 years? Probably the same thing you do when you're facing, at 27 a life lived completely in solitude without ever experiencing their kind of love...you cry alot, snap at people, and push people away because you're bitter about the hand life is dealing you.

And does anyone really ever want to be alone? Not really.

And it seems like everything I do, my mom says, "You'll make such a good mother". It used to be a complement. Now, it just sad. I get depressed and a nagging feeling that I'll never get a chance to prove her right or wrong. So much so, I've almost stopped wanting the chance myself. Too much risk for no proof of gain. How can you believe you'll ever be loved, when so far it has failed to be proven? And how can you believe you're lovable, when no one you love (not blood related) loves you? I could adopt a baby, or find a donor and have a baby (you know, pretend I'm a movie star), but it's not me. I want my own baby. Mine, as a symbol of love between two people. A combination of two people becoming one.

But I don't believe that's gonna happen, not really.

And so the days go on, and holidays come as a reminder of how far your life hasn't progressed since the last time. And in my case, is actually moving backwards And once a year, you get older and another year of your life passes. Which could be a blessing, as it means there are fewer left to celebrate. But it also means there goes one more year the things you've always assumed you have in life aren't there.

And won't ever be. Really.