Hi everyone!

I just want you to know I talked to Neil today. I'm not doing well AT ALL! I had a somewhat plan for writing today and this wasn't it at all. It was happy (sort of) stuff, but after listening to "blah, blah, blah looking at houses but we can't afford it.." "we haven't seen them much at all" "Well, Christy gets up at 6:30 or 7 for camps and I'm not getting up and goes to bed early...blah, blah, blah" I just can't remember any of it. I touched, just briefly on my life when he asked...but "hang in there" isn't much consolation from a guy who pretty much made a 4 year friendship feel like a little girl with a crush on a high school jock and is patting me on the head and sending me on my way. It's certainly not a consolation knowing that besides his job, he's blissfully happy and I'm ....well....to be mild....miserable.

It's just not fair. I don't know why I had to get involved. They could've just stayed together and left me out of the whole thing. Been blissfully happy WITHOUT shattering me into so many pieces I can't find half of them. Why did I have to be drug through hell, so they could be together? Couldn't this "everything-happens-for-a-reason bullshit have found some other course to run besides me? I miss him and hate him so much at the same time! And I can't even hate him, b/c it just turns to sadness. and it doesn't go away. There's no fading with time. Just torturous nightmares and crying so hard you can't sleep and he curls up with his lovely bride and drifts of to la-la land until she stirs him in the morning, puttering around "their" room until she leaves for work. Why? why is that image so vivid in my head? Why did the things he said the last time I saw him hurt so deep? Why couldn't I just not care like he did? Why can't I just erase him from my life and mind as he's done with me? Why? Why? I just don't understand. I just don't get the reason for all this hurt and pain when I'M THE ONLY ONE HURTING?!?!?!?!?

I can't take this anymore. I just can't. I'm not dealing with it, it's not getting better, and it's not doing any good...so shouldn't it just go away? No one would care. He wouldn't care. I don't care. Not about anything. If this is the way my life's gonna be...this constant hurt and anguish while everyone else's lives get better. Where my life is hurt to make other people's bettter...you can have it. I don't want it any more. There's no good that came of me caring about him, so WHY?!?!?!? WHY ME?!?!?!?! Why did I have to fall in love with someone who was just using me, never "loved me that way", knew I cared about him, then just threw me away to move on to bliss and happiness with her? WHY?!?!?! It makes no sense. If there's no reason for it, then why?

And I don't want to hear it from you guys. The "everything happens for a reason", "you'll find someone else; someone who's right for you/perfect for you", "you'll get over this in time" "it's your life to change and make better. Forget about him" people. You know what? F*ck you! It's so easy for you to say that. You don't feel THIS EVERY DAY!!! You don't live every night with the images I "see". You don't feel every day like someone's sending your heart through a blender. You don't have to live with the fact that he passed you over for a woman who schemed and conived it, now gets to live what you wanted AND he's happy in it; she's happy in it...whole g-damn world is happy in it but me! You don't have to hear the words he said resonating in your head every time you lay down to go to bed. You don't have to know that someone you love with every once of your being loves someone else AND THERE IS NOT A G-DAMN THING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT!!!!!!! You don't have to live it....so don't tell me how I should be doing it.

And I can't even hate him. I've tried...believe me. I want to hate him. I want to wish evil things on him....but I can't. I'm even almost happy for him that he's happy. I just wish it wasn't with her. Wish she hadn't gotten her way. Wish I hadn't been so wrong about the way he feels about her. Wonder why it wasn't me? Wonder how you can fake caring about someone the way I thought he cared about me? I swore I could see it in his eyes. And if I was right, how do you lie and hurt someone by telling then it never was? I hear that in my head every day just before the image of he and Christy at dinner with other couples, or the two of them lying in bed together flash briefly through my head before I can stop them. What is it about me that men would rather dive head first into pool full of bricks...or climb into a car with a rabid lion than stay with me? (Yes, I'm equating her to a rabid lion) Why hide behind fear of commitment before living with someone else? Why tell me you never loved me? And don't even tell me we weren't right for each other when we were and what could've been was never even given a chance. Why give me a chance to talk about me, act like you might even care, then "pat me on the head" with "hang in there"?

I've had it. I've had it with being an adult. I've had it with men, relationships in general. I've had it with the hurt and the pain and the constant aching that won't go away. I've had it with life, in general. I keep saying it's not fair. People keep saying that's life. Life is not fair. Well, I'll tell ya what. Mine isn't. I know that for a fact.

So, I'm leaving again. I can't handle this. I can't. I know I've said that in the past...but I mean it. It just keeps getting worse. first it was her pushing into our relationship and driving it apart, so I lost my best friend and non-relationship partner; then it was that they were dating; not they're actually freakin' happy...looking for a house, hearing my words of advice to him coming out of his mouth and knowing he only listened when SHE said them, I know what's next and I can't handle it. I want out. Stop the train I'm getting off, before I have to see where we go next. It used to be eager anticipation, like wanting to see how a movie ends, just b/c you're curious - not b/c it's that good. Now, i don't even care how it ends, I just want to stop watching. I can't take anymore. I just can't. I'm so tired of being hurt, disappointed, and things not working out my way. When do I get to be the one who ends up with what she wants? The great job, or the guy she loves...when does that get to be me? I'm not the type of person who can be mean, evil, and coniving and risk hurting another person to get what I want. But does that mean I should always lose? That I should always be the one being patted on the head instead of glowing with the trophy in the corner? Apparently, this is how it is. I'm the one who ends up sitting in her car, choking back the tears and trying to push away the nausea in order to get through the phone conversation without "showing my hand" b/c it doesn't matter to the person on the end anyway.

Well, I'm gonna head up to bed this morning, although something tells me I won't sleep. I'm supposed be writing to sort through whether or not I should move to San Diego with Mike b/c he got a job out there and figures the change would do me good. Now, more than anything...I want to curl up in my bed and stay there until I'm 90. The LAST thing I want to do is move cross country with no job or money and not even a prospect as to one. Right now, I just don't care about much of anything. Doesn't matter anyway.

So, I'll write more whenever. I can't make any guarantees when of if I'll write in here again. Just can't....the thought of another day just hurts, so I'm gonna try and get some sleep.