Missing a"C"

After a year on the AMA tour of my state, I have decided that medicine isn't what it used to be. No longer is the doctor a member of your town, the guy you run into at the grocery store, the one who knows your family history because he knew and treated most of your family. Doctors no longer make house calls. They don't listen to the words that aren't coming out of your mouth. They don't read your verbal cues and sometimes, they don't even register the actual words coming out of your mouth. In an effort to move medicine along, I think we've lost some of what made old time medicine great. Yes, we didn't have 18 zillion tests or specialists so versed in an area they could acurately diagnose what used to be a life threatening disease. We did have compassion.

Merriam-Webster defines compassion as "sympathetic consciousness of others' distress together with a desire to alleviate it". Let's break this into two parts. I wholeheartedly believe every doctor has the desire to alleviate the distress of their patient. What drive that desire may be a debate for another time, but whether it be to make someone less distressed, to increase reputation or ego or to increase revenue I believe all doctors have it.

It's the first part of "compassion" I believe most doctors have lost. Doctors run through patients in a day b/c of a "minimum" they have to see or a schedule based on 15 minute appointments to fit the maximum people into a day for whatever reason (in a private practice, maybe it's money. Maybe it's an insurance requirement. I don't know the behind the scenes in most private arenas, so I hesitate to guess. I do know in a lot of orthopedic mega-groups minimum patient numbers per day are required). They stream one into the next and I'm sure the day just blurs into one big complaint. If you multiply that over a 20 year career, I can't imagine the amount of caring that seeps from your bones. I can also believe when you've seen your 80th zillion torn ACL or diabetic onset it's hard to muster any emotion. It must not even occur to you that when you zip into a room, tell a patient "Yep. Looks like diabetes", hand them a prescription, refer them to a nutritionist/diabetes expert, tell them you'll see them in 6 months and zip out the person on the other end has just had their life turned upside down. An athlete with an ACL tear loses their season (or multiple seasons in most high school athletes), their livelihood, they identity. They haven't had this happen to them 80 zillion times. This is it. The one. The only. Their head is spinning, their life is changing and the person who has all the answers to the million questions forming in their head just abandoned them to zip on to the next patient. Where did the sympathetic consciousness go?

Perhaps I am hard on our medical profession. From my mindset, I just don't understand it. I am currently seeing between 30-35 "patients" (athletes) in a 1 hour time frame. Granted, most of them are repeat customers. They are fairly self-sufficient needing me sometimes for taping, moving their treatment forward or just to rearrange the bodies in the room so everyone fits. Still, I make sure to "check-in" with even these athletes. "Is that heat/ice working?" "How are you feeling?" "Better, worse or the same?" Even in the midst of chaos, I remind myself to take a second to make the athletes feel like they are cared for. That they aren't just one speck in the whirlwind of chaos coming through the room. It takes me 5 seconds. I make eye contact and listen to a brief answer. I always hope that it's enough. For the athletes coming in for the first time, well, they get pushed to the end of the whirlwind. Sort of an Athletic Trainer triage. I want to take time to talk to them, explain to them and not just point them in a direction and zip on to the rest. I try to remember that it might be my 80 zillionth knee cap pain, but it's the first one for them. Their pain is real. Often confused and frustrated and looking for answers. I want to try and give it to them. If that means my 1 hour time frame extends to 1 hour and 15 minutes, oh well.

I know my job and that of a doctor are greatly different. I can't imagine how hard their days are. (Today, I spent 3.5 hours in the sunshine watching a baseball scrimmage and treating a few people along the way. Can't complain. :) ) I just wish they would start every day reminding themselves that the patients they are about to see are people. Humans. Sometimes scared, sometimes confused, sometimes frustrated and looking to them for answers. Perhaps we need to remind doctors about the definition of compassion.

Table for One

I know a lot of times I write about being single. My life is not at all what I thought it would be like at 36. It is pretty much like I thought it would be like at 26. Ironically, that is exactly how old I always think I am. In celebration of being single, here's some perks to living the single life. In a not-at-all strange twist, it will show you that I am still living like a 26 year old. And maybe like a 26 year old boy.

1) Dinner can be Queso and chips.

2) Rinsing your favorite glass in hot water is just like "cleaning it", because no on else is gonna use it anyway.

3) 1/3 of all the shoes I own are by the front door.

4) None of my furniture matches, but I like it all and who else matters.

5) I can dance around the house listening to Pandora and singing Spandeau Ballet (Seriously. Has anyone else seen the Chevy commercial? I love it!!!!)

6) Laundry on the floor, Separated into piles. Clean clothes I didn't feel like hanging on the top of the empty hamper.

See? Single has it's perks AND I am pretty sure I've been taken over by a 26 year old former frat boy. :)

Upsetting the Balance

Emotions are funny things. You're never sure when they're going to hit you or what they're going to be. A week ago my friend, S offered to set me up with a guy she used to work with. We've conversed briefly over FB and, though it's still in the early stages, I feel no wow. Should I? Can you really get to know someone over email enough to know you don't think it's a direction you want to head? I'm not really sure. What I do know is this is the only real emotion I'm feeling about anything.

Life is moving along similar to driving in a fog. I have stopped feeling anger and frustration over my day-to-day and am just moving along in a state of "just keep swimming". My only real emotion is a "aww crap" at the returning of an email, the thought of actually meet or conversing on the phone and I'm not sure why, since we're just a hair past pleasantries. Maybe it's fear or maybe I've just become so content at being alone, in my zone, I don't want to throw something else into it. With other things going on in life, I'm thinking maybe just holding myself together and worried something else will upset the balance. Or, I just know deep down I want something more.

Guess Who's Back?

Been thinking about getting back on here and writing a little. Yesterday a friend asked me for my Blog site and it sealed the deal. I'm writing again. The need to be a little creative usually comes when I'm feeling outta balance and BOY am I ever out of balance.

In a feeble attempt to bring some sense to my life, I've been trying to take control over the things I feel like I CAN control. Cleaning, purging stuff, getting some rooms "finished", watching what I eat, working out a little...and of course, writing. Gotta love being a control freak! :) The menagerie doesn't help, often throwing more unknown into my life, but I'm getting a handle on that too. Never thought I'd be a "dog person", but I'm surprised at how much I've learned in two years. Even trained Bella to "snooze", as every good alarm clock needs that button!

So, a nice little trot of a short distance to get "back on the horse". Hope ya'll enjoy the ride.

Mayberry

Why can't life be simpler?

I'm yearning for the days of a simpler time and place. A time without so many choices, where people were helpful and you didn't have to be "afraid" of bad things.

I'm getting new windows. (No, not a tangent. Bear with me.) Apparently, while my old windows are in excellent shape, they have a slight flaw. During heavy rainstorms (ones that come quick, dump alot of rain and then are over...you know, the ones we've had pretty much all summer), water accumulates between the heavy glass and the screen. Since the screen sits up higher than the heavy glass, the water gushes in under the heavy glass, down the wall and all across the floor of my house. The only remedy I've found is to put the screens up and the glass down IF I remember and IF I'm home when the rain starts. Mom said I need new windows to prevent this from ruining my beautiful (?) hardwood floors.

So, I'm getting new windows. There is a place, which has been coming around door-to-door advertising, so I thought I'd try them first. I set up an estimate appointment for today, but evaded the "is there a spouse" question. I did tell them that although I owned the house and would be making a decision, I had someone who would help me in the decision making process. They were supposed to come at 10am. At 9am the phone rings and a woman went through confirming everything with me, double checking the address and again asking about other people. It's not that I'm embarrassed so much about a "spouse" and I hesitate to say "Yes, I'm a single female and here is my address.". Perhaps too much CSI or NCIS or Law and Order, but nonetheless... When I informed her I was the sole homeowner, but have "advisers" who would not be present at the estimate, they told me to cal and reschedule when they would be available and the information is too much for me to relay.

At first, I was thrilled. Back to bed for me, but as I crawled back into bed, something was nagging at me. I called my adviser (aka Mom). :) She was awake. She laughed, a little shocked that someone, some company would forgo a possible 3-4 window sale b/c I, the primary decision maker and one with all the power (if you like that sort of thing), would be the only one present. "Guess they really wanted the sale today." I still stand by my decision. I just hope it's not detrimental to my bank account!

I wonder why home improvements aren't like everything else. No one will give me a window estimate over the phone (I'll get to THAT in a minute) and gathering "estimates" requires an appointment, which companies don't want to do unless you are going to buy from them that day. I think I should have the right to "shop around" a bit, which should not be hindered by wanting to talk it over with someone. I can go into Macy's, Boscov's AND Sears in some places all within a short shopping mall walk to price shop for things, why not home improvements?

I was honest. I could've had them come out here, go through the schpeal for 2 hours and then sent them away without a sale, but I think it's rude to totally waste some one's time. Come out, give me a brief estimate, then let me think about it. No need to spend 2 hours trying to badger me into something. I'm telling you upfront I'm not buying today, so don't waste your time "pitching" to me. Just give me the information and let me process it. I do this with alot of things. Sometimes, such as cars and often times clothes - special occasion dresses, suits, etc. the processing is strictly emotional. You can tell me it's the best car in the whole world, but if I don't feel it, then I'm not gonna like it day after day after day driving it and why would I do that? With money, it's a weighing process - do I like or need it enough to spend the money? If so, who's got the best deal? And in a world of weirdos, do I really want 4 or 5 strangers to know I'm a single female who has the money to own their own home AND replace windows and here's my address, credit information (to buy the windows) and daily schedule (for "best time to come out")? Maybe a bit paranoid, I realize.

So, after my advisor got done laughing about the loss of the sale for the company that didn't like my evasiveness or "not-ready-to-commit-today" attitude, she launched into window research. I think I fell asleep for a few minutes. Windows are boring. Nothing exciting about getting to buy a new window. Not like a car, new furniture, paint colors, decor or clothes. Windows are boring. Not only are they boring, they are overwhelming. TONS of different kinds of windows and I could give a rat's hat about which ones go in the front of my house. I want something not expensive, good quality, with screens, that don't leak. Easy to clean would be nice, but let's be honest...I don't clean the ones I have often (I DO eventually get around to it, just not as often or as thoroughly as I should) so, should I care? It's not as if they're going to have bars, or be lively, Harry Potter-esque windows that move or disappear when I try to clean them.

What I don't want are options OR to feel like I'm being ripped off because I don't care. I want what I'm still looking for in a hair dresser, a professional. I defer to professionals. Have no problem with that. I can say "look, I don't know and you are the professional" but more and more often in society life doesn't work that way. People defer to drs. who misdiagnose b/c they are busy fulfilling their insurance required 10 patients a day. People who don't follow up, who aren't active in pursuing and pushing their drs when they believe something isn't right, even sometimes end up dead. My hairdresser never really liked "I don't know, I want it to look good, I don't want to look 12 and I want to be able to put it up for work". He wanted guidelines, pictures, a definite. I wanted a professional opinion, b/c I don't know styles, have NO clue what would work for my hair (obviously b/c I kept bringing in hairstyles and he would say "your hair is too thin for that") and face and didn't care all that much if it fit my criteria. The same goes for windows. Remember the days when you said "I need a new window with a screen" and the window guy said "o.k. here"? It wasn't "Well, do you want double hung? A full or half screen? Grilles? latches? EZ to clean? Vinyl or aluminum or wood?". You said window, they gave you window. There weren't choices. Not 800 things to pick from and people, "professionals" who didn't want to give their opinion because they were afraid you'd end up hating it, the company would replace the windows and fire them for wrongful inputting.

I miss the days I never lived in. Simpler times when decisions weren't hard, because choices weren't plentiful. Come to think of it, in those days, my grandfather just had is friend from "up the street" come help put in the windows. Someone he knew. Someone who wouldn't care if my grandmother was home b/c windows "could be tough and alot of information". (sigh) Those were the days.

-Song by Rascal Flatts

Summer of '69

I was SO looking forward to this summer.

I took a new job, I had more vacation, I didn't HAVE to work camps, I could ACTUALLY vacate NJ and relax. Before the summer started, I vowed to take more pictures. I wanted to photograph my life, remember things, share my freedom. As I sit on my couch, realizing my summer only has a mere 14 days left in it, I lament the optimism of my pre-summer self. I realize my only vacation, as has been the case for years before this one, was to our National Convention in June. There are only so many pictures you can take of your cats and your living room before people get bored. The occasional trip to the grocery store, or the bank before coming back home to nap don't constitute "freedom".

I long for a summer, like the one I pictured in May and there is sadness and grief - honest-to-goodness palpable grief - for the summer I imagined.

"And now the times are changin'
Look at everything that's come and gone" -Song by Bryan Adams

Time

Thank GOODNESS football camp is over! I'm spent. I started thinking about vacation during a conversation with a colleague earlier this summer. I noticed alot of people on my Facebook going on vacation. Actually going somewhere - an island, to visit family, overseas, a week at the shore. It sounds marvelous. I realized there is a difference between "summer vacation" and "not going to work for 2 months". Due to the lack of paycheck for those 2 months, we often have to work over that time. I never really schedule and plan out a vacation so that often, my time off doesn't really feel like "vacation". It wouldn't be so frustrating if I knew there was time I could take off during the 10 months I DO work, but there really isn't that kind of time, nor do I get many days (3) to take.

I am not really sure WHERE my 2 months have gone! I can account for 3 weeks, but I know there was another 3 weeks in there somewhere. I looked around my house yesterday and realized I have totally neglected it over the last 3 or 4 weeks. The white trash decor is NOT befitting my house. Unfortunately, I'm not motivated ENOUGH to clean it thoroughly. I'd love to be able to come in at least once a month and really scrub and dust and clean. Especially the windows. I think my life has just totally overwhelmed me. I know I get this way when I'm tired and I AM tired. It always seems like there are 3 or 4 steps of "doing" involved before I can actually do what needs to be done. For example, the washer on the spigot of my sink disintegrated, causing water to spray all over when I turn it on. I have been to Home Depot 2 times, but can't seem to get it right. The first time I figured "how hard could it be to find a washer?". I bought a new aerator and a washer, but it didn't fit. So, I took the aerator out of my sink and took it with me the second time. It still wasn't enough. We couldn't find an aerator that matched the one I have and they told me to bring back the male or female part of my sink so I can find a washer that's the right width. All this so I can WASH THE DISHES in my sink! Each step has been jumping hurdles to get one thing done.

I had one goal for this summer and it was to get the upstairs bedroom converted into a bedroom. I have a bed (frame, no head or foot board), sheets, blanket and pillows. I have the room finally painted and most of the stuff off the floor and out of the room. Now, I need to buy new carpet remnants and re-lay the carpet upstairs. 3 weeks seems like plenty of time, but I quick look at the schedule is not promising - tomorrow checking out rest. spaces for our alumni party next summer, tues/wed. visiting old Lenape friends in OCNJ and the last week is "birthday week", so I know I'll be busy. My friend Kate had a baby ONE MONTH ago and I haven't gotten over there to see her yet.

I feel like I'm constantly busy, but things keep not getting done and more and more things are falling to the wayside. How does this HAPPEN?!?!?! I'm off to wade through the mess that is my house. Gonna start slowly I guess, vacuum, straighten, go through mail, etc. It IS Sunday, the day of rest and I'm gonna try and do some of that too.

-Song by Pink Floyd

Sleep Through The Static

Being sick sucks! Alright, so I'm technically sick, but I don't think of myself as "sick" which makes it worse. During the first week of my Summer Vacation I was asked to golf in a tournament at the course behind my parents house, where I grew up. You think I'd remember to SPRAY with bug spray. I did not. I remembered the sunscreen before we started but no Off. The Tick that got me (I call it le tick) was barely recognizable from a freckle and hid just out of my sightline, under a breast, where it hung on for 2 days before I found him. The day I was leaving for our National Convention, I spied le tick and knew, right then, I was destined to be a Lyme-y. A week went by and the spot of le tick's last stand was red and about the size of a nickel. It was Friday and I was headed to work a 3 day lacrosse camp, so I called the doc and made an appointment for Monday. I thought maybe the bite site was infected, as it was just red, no bullseye appearance. In what should've been a lesson learned, by the end of 6 hours outside (and mostly under a tent) Friday I had a pretty good bullseye rash the size of half my fist. At the end of the weekend, it had doubled in size and was terribly painful to touch.

I consider myself lucky. For many Lyme's sufferers, they don't know they were tick bit and spend months or years trying to diagnose the symptoms. I had no symptoms other than a ginormous 9cm by 4cm rash on my left torso. I took the lesser antibiotic, knowing I had two weeks of outdoor camp coming up and with no other symptoms, this felt like the right thing to keep me as close to normal as possible. 1 week after visiting the doc (on a Saturday - 4th of July, of course) I was fevered, skin hurt to touch, even clothes and sheets, I was dizzy, nauseous and headachey. I crawled into bed and emerged two days later. I called the doc who switched me to 2 weeks of the stronger antibiotic and usual course of treatment of Lyme's.

Turns out "People with Lyme's Disease should stay out of the sun" is more than a suggestion. I tried real hard this week while working football camp to follow the advice given by my doctor. She told me the new antibiotic would make me skin sensitive and I should wear lots of sunscreen to avoid a rash or intense burning. I wore lots of sunscreen (even re-applied, check me out! :) ) and stayed in the shade under the tent as often as possible, but it didn't help. Slowly over the course of the week, the fever returned, headaches have increased and I have tranisent tingling and numbness in my hands and feet. (For 3 days I thought it was the air conditioning, as it only started when I was OUT of the sun in the a/c.)

All of this is why, yours truly is sitting in bed at 8:30 on a Friday night exhausted, just trying to hang on until I can take all my meds and go to sleep! (I have to wait 2 hours after eating to take the antibiotic and then sit upright for 30 minutes after taking it.) No rest for the weary, as I am working a Farmer's Market at some ungodly hour tomorrow morning and the second week of camp begins Monday. I'm just counting down the days! My biggest hope is that after this week of antibiotics and camp, I am feeling somewhat close to normal, so I can enjoy the remaining 2 weeks of my vacation before starting the 10-month whirlwind that is my job. :)

Happy Friday from me and le tick.

-Song by Jack Johnson

Hello Muddah ( A Letter From Camp)

Well, I'm about to retire for the night because I agreed to work a football camp for the next two weeks. I'm totally mad at myself. When I took the new job in November, I said "No camps. This year I'm gonna have a relax and REAL summer vacation.". I could eek by, so I didn't HAVE to do them and I really was feeling jealous of all the people I knew who were taking wonderful trips to fabulous places. So, what happened?

These things, in order:

• My friend Jeff, a former football coach at Lenape called. He was the Director of a camp. It was his first year. He wanted someone he could trust to work with him. 9-3, no contact middle school kids. $500/week. Please. As a favor.
• Panic about whether or not I was really as together financially as I thought
• My computer died. I wanted a new couch. Need to get the upstairs bedroom re-done.
• It's only 2 weeks.

So far, the camp has been a nightmare and it hasn't even started yet. 5 forms to be filled out, a 30 min conference call that turned into 1 hour and 15 minutes and made me want to bag my head on a wall, and an additional 1 hour of work added to each day EXCEPT Mondays when we add an additional 2 hours! If I hadn't felt bad about potentially screwing over Jeff AND it being 2 weeks before the camp started, I woulda been sitting pretty vacating these next two weeks. Instead, for my paltry $15/hour (what it breaks down to with the added time. A far cry from the going ATC rate of $25-$50 per hour) , I will be slaving and miserable. I know, I know, I need a better attitude, but so far the dealings with this pro company who are using our local pro sports team's name (they do a number of NFL camps) have left nothing but stress in my stomach and a rotten taste in my mouth. I am counting down the days.

It doesn't help that I am working mushroom sales for Trish at the Farmers Market in the middle (which I usually love, but is an early morning sandwiched in the h*ll that is this football camp), so I know it's gonna be a busy two week stretch. I am also a little upset that my summer is almost over and I have no new couch, no upstairs guest room (although I painted the ceiling today, so I'm getting closer) and no one to go on a real vacation with (oh, my sister? She's going to Scotland with our "cousin" Timmy for her vacation after complaining to me she didn't have money or time for vacations.). Looks like I'll be starting my pre-season the same way I started the LAST one, which is not contributing greatly to my mental health.

I need a change. I need an escape. My girlfriends are going to a Lake House owned by parents of one of them after the FB camp ends for good. I'm planning on going, but the 4 hour drive each way for 1 1/2 days makes me "eh" too. I know the saying is "life's a journey, not a destination" but I totally disagree where vacations are concerned. The only thing that MAKES the ride worthy is the destination! When I started the Spring I had grand plans of visiting 1) my college friend (Hi Aim) in Annapolis 2) a plethora of friends in North Carolina and 3) my old roommate and his wife in Maine. Not to mention the great "new" destination place I was going to - Ireland or Scotland, an island somewhere or maybe just somewhere kinda local for an overnight. After these jam-packed two weeks I am down to ONLY two weeks left of my summer. Where did the time go?!?!? I want to go the shore (even for a day!). I need to finish the upstairs room. I have to stop in work at least 2 more times and get paperwork in order for the first day (not to mention my inventory, but that's not TERRIBLY crucial I guess). And I am down to TWO WEEKS. TWO WEEKS! Can you feel the stress? The agitation? The annoyance? The Ugh?!?!?!?

I keep telling myself I really should use the 5 comp days I am given this year. I really need to use at least a personal day, but I know the sad reality of being a lone Athletic Trainer is once the season starts I become a 6 day a week employee for a full 10-months. No vacations, no days off, no breaks, no free Saturdays (although I'm trying to finagle one to get to a party in Annapolis) until next summer. When I SWEAR I'm gonna vacate. I'm gonna visit friends, go somewhere new, maybe an island....

-Song by Allan Sherman

Rotten Apples

Hey Ya'll! It's been awhile. As you can see from yesterday's post, I did a guest article for Jess on her Dawg blog and loved it! I forgot how much I love writing on here (especially when I have something to say ) and am going to try and post something every day...at least til summer ends August 17th. It's all I can successfully promise! :)

I wanted to spruce up my blog, since it's boring and basic. Blogs have come a long way since I started writing mine years ago and I wanted to change with the times. Maybe get a little more "personal" with my site and a little more "professional" with my writing. I spent an hour or so yesterday playing around with layouts only to be frustrated and annoyed. Nothing worked like it was supposed to and I don't know how to make it work.

For once, I don't think I can blame my Mac. I've been technologically flustrated (flustered and frustrated) alot since I got the new Mac. I have been a PC user since I ever OWNED a computer circa 1990. When I got the Mac, the first thing that rushed into my brain was my 7th grade computer class with the open and closed apple. Apparently, technology has advanced since 1988 and no more are there open and closed apple commands.

I took a friend (Hi AJ)'s advice and watched some apple.com tutorials. Wha...Who..Wha? I'm not even sure what they said and my mind was reeling. Always had the same feeling in math class! :) For as much as I HATE being talked "down" to (I am NOT an idiot, YES I turned it on and YES it's plugged in!) I would've loved a "turn on the computer and let's walk you through the pictures (Dock) at the bottom". Or like the overenthusiastic Apple geeks that sold me the machine "See? If you click here, and get this you can do X,Y,Z". VERY helpful. Things like "if you are using files in the 'cloud' and not saving them locally you're an idiot" are NOT helpful. I hear (or read, in this case) NOTHING after that because I'm trying to figure out what's the cloud. Did I miss it? Do they mean the Internet? Cyberspace? Is there some icon I haven't found? Some hardrive space I should know about? If I lose files in this cloud, how will I find them? If I put too many files in the cloud, does it rain?

I managed to find my way to my free "geek magazine" (as I fondly call it, other normal people may refer to it as MacWorld magazine) subscription. This I enjoy. I pretty much skip the articles because sentences like "You too can be a Mac genius. Troubleshooting isn't magic. It's a skill that any experienced Mac user can cultivate" doesn't come CLOSE to understanding my PC brain challenges. :) I like the Mac Gems. It tells me new things I can download to my Mac to do things I didn't know I can do with a Mac. Things I may or may not already be able to do on here and I can't find them. (I think the cloud eats them.) I am glad I didn't skip over the "Genius Bar" sidebar article because it was WONDERFUL! It told me I could take my Mac to a Genius and have them fix it! I have to make an appointment, but honestly, this is my kind of article. PLUS I figured I was a Genius for reading it! :) ;)

I try hard, but all in all, my brain reacts to "computer geek" the same way it reacts to anything more complicated than addition. Because I AM a Genius AND Jenn experienced, I know better than to think I can overcome this feeling of my brain swirling down a psychedelic black hole and need an alternative plan. I HATE feeling incompetent but I also hate feeling like I'm using a fabulous fancy expensive machine and only doing 1 stupid, basic thing on it. I want to explore it's potential (before the cloud makes it rain. I hope it thunders and lightnings as some warning before the rain starts. Wouldn't want to get wet.) use it as Jobs intended. Right now I can play my iTunes, get to Facebook and Open Office has been a godsend! Command N rocks!!! As does learning how to set my touch pad to "right click" AND the little ridged right corner to make my pages the size of my screen! Rocks!

I think my Mac doesn't like me as much as I'm frustrated by it. It takes forever to "load" things on a website. Just sits there going "Really Lady? Another freakin' Facebook quiz? I do SO MUCH more than that! I'm dragging my feet so maybe you'll play around while you're waiting for me and figure out something better to do!". When I was debating buying the Mac, I LOVED the enlarging and shrinking windows with your fingers or scrolling with two fingers running along the touch pad! So Cool! Like a lover scorned, but Mac refuses to respond to my touch, leaving me to scroll while depressing the keys along the sidebar and just re-starting pages altogether when they suddenly shrink in font!

I'm still hoping to be creative. To feel inspired by my Mac to do something great. To figure out what all these freakin' Icons do. Instead I feel stymied by the PC brain running my MacBook. Since the bar on my Blogger page with which I'm supposed to be able to find the template I have downloaded on my computer and upload it to my blog, is missing on my page, I am left trying to figure if it's me, them or us (the cloud and I). I have a vision for a Blogger page design and feel "I am using a Mac. Shouldn't I be able to whip up some HTML or CSS code (whatever that is) and crank out a new Blogger layout no problem?". Synapses being what they are and cellular memory being unproven, I have not yet whipped out a new layout (as you can tell), nor have I grasped this "cloud" thing. So for now, Facebook, email and iTunes prevail. My Blog remains personally written and aesthetically boring. Until I can attend a "free" clinic at the Apple store, rotten apples to you all! :)

-Song by Alice In Chains

Hey Bulldog!

(My guest article from www.dawgdiaries.com)

I was getting too rigid, codgery even. Too set in my ways and closed off to anything that changed my lifestyle. So who knows why, when my phone rang that Saturday morning at 9am to ask if I could take in two bulldogs for 10 days while they recovered from kennel cough, I said yes. Kennel cough is contagious in dogs and all the Foster homes of the Heaven Sent Bulldog Rescue owned dogs. I supported the rescue, gave money, showed up at events, but owned two cats...zero dogs. I was perfect for nursing these dogs back to health. Sure, I said, bring 'em over. I can do anything for 10 days. Little did I know those 10 days would change my life.

One of the first questions people ask when I tell them I was a “foster mom” was a question I often asked about fostering “How can you just take a dog in and not get attached to them?” I have to admit, it was difficult and I DID grow attached. When taking in a Foster dog, ask yourself a few questions:

1) “Am I in a position to keep this dog?” I knew I was not. I am not home often, my

schedule fluctuates and changes so much that a dog would be locked in a house alone a

lot. Not an idea situation for the dog long-term.

2) “What is the best situation for the dog?” I knew that if I didn't take in these two sick

dogs, they were going to be sitting in a run/kennel at a breeders. Though not ideal, my

one large sitting room, ineptness at owning a dog and 7-8 hours alone a day were a

better situation than what they currently had. I knew if I could get them healthy and

assess their temperament we could find them the PERFECT home where they could

thrive and be loved.

Answering these two questions allowed me to put the dogs in perspective before they entered my house. They were not mine. They belonged to someone else. I felt like their babysitter. I played with them, fed them, made sure they went potty, put them to bed and yes, fell in love with them, but I knew there would come a time when the “parents” would come home and I would hand them back over, happy and healthy.

“I was thinking of owning a dog, maybe I should foster one and “test out” owning a dog?” Most dogs given up to a shelter or rescue were given up for a reason. While it's true some reasons include the economy, allergies or a new baby, other reason include biting, inability to get along with other pets or humans and abuse. For these reasons, sometimes fostering a dog can be extremely stressful and emotional to the owner. I had a few nights in tears and some nights picking up the pieces of things destroyed or chewed. No one knows what a foster dog is going to bring. Each dog has a different temperament and using one as a “test” is not fair to you or the dog.

“Will I be on my own to care for the dog?” Yes and no. Having not owned a dog in any double digit years of my life, I was pretty clueless. Luckily, the Rescue worker who came over with the dogs was a godsend! Most rescue groups and shelters will have people you can contact with questions, problems or issues should they arise. The rescue group set up dr. appointments and took care of getting me supplies (dog dish, beds, leashes, etc), food and the medications the dogs needed. I ran into lots of novice dog owner questions and the rescue workers were always available to help me out.

"What is the time frame on Fostering a dog? Most times when you foster a dog, the agreement is to keep the dog until it is adopted. This could mean 2 weeks or 2 years. My case was special, as I was an “emergency” home. As that was, my 10 days turned into 1 month and my two dogs DID leave my home for their new permanent home. Remember this when taking on the responsibility of fostering a dog. You are signing on for the duration of the dogs “life in limbo”.

As the end date of my reign as Foster Mom approached, I wondered “Are these poor dogs gonna feel abandoned by me when they are adopted?” A woman VERY involved in the bulldog rescue said no. They're gonna wonder how much better life can get! I have to admit I was a little sad when the Rescue worker came to pick up my two and they trotted away happy as could be without even a look back at me. I had to think back and remember the almost lethargic, phlegmy four-legged creatures who straggled in to my home one month before. They had come so far and they were headed to a home where they would be loved and spoiled beyond belief.

“Sounds great! What do I need to do to be a Foster parent to a dog?” If you have a group that is dear to your heart, contact the local rescue. Foster homes are in such high demand and most good ones are near capacity of animals. If you aren't picky about breed (or even animal, I know this is a Dawg site, but kitties need fostering too), contact your local animal shelter. Most will require an application to be filled out and possibly a vet reference. Some groups do “site visits” to make sure your home will be perfect for the dog you are fostering.

A MAJOR point to remember about fostering dogs...It's Not About You. This was definitely the attitude I had when taking the dogs after that 9am phone call. “Bring the poor babies to me. I can help them.” I felt a little inadequate I didn't have the perfect doggie house for them. They deserved more. It was all about them. After 4 days (yes, only 4, but they were looong days), I flung myself onto the floor crying because I was tired of cleaning up pee and poop off my hardwood floors, of eating dinner at 9pm, of more “them” than “me” time - I was tired. One of the dogs trotted right over, laid down next to me resting his big head on my back lovingly. I then remembered. It was not about me. It was about them. I picked up my Nature's Miracle bottle (Um, I loved the stuff so much I kept it for spot cleaning my floors even though the dogs are gone!) and my paper towels and off I went. The trials and tribulations got easier for me to deal with (and there were plenty) and funny thing, I adjusted. Maybe I'm even flexible and no one would come close to calling me a codger now! :) I realized I CAN do anything and am a lot more easygoing now than before. I still think of the two bulldogs I fostered and a few others I've helped in various ways. I learned I have a lot to give, am blessed to be able to share what I

have and am open to anything that my come my way. My whole outlook on life has changed and I have those first two bullies to thank! They will always hold a place in my heart and I suspect I have room in that place for a few others down the line. I hope you will too.

Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow!

I SO needed this snow day. Even though my new job isn't all that difficult compared to where I came from, working 6 days a week takes a toll on your mental health.

Speaking of working taking a toll on mental health, someone (who shall remain nameless even though it probably isn't a secret) very close to me quit her job today. The last straw was flung over the camel today and she wrote out her letter, braved the snow to go to work (where she was apparently expected to be, even though everything in SJ was closed today), cleaned out her stuff and turned in her letter. She feels lighter, but PLEASE pray that she find a new job quickly. It's tough being unemployed in this economy (especially of your own doing). She would be great at doing anything, but I hope she find something she likes that will contribute to her family. I'd hate to see her quit and then be MORE stressed because of money worry.

I, too have been thinking about what else to do with my life. I have my mornings free, which would allow me to take classes or even teach classes at a community college should I want to (or if I can). I think I need something BESIDES work in my life.

Alright, off to bed. Gotta clean it off first since I did a TON of laundry and some of it is still on my bed. Gotta finish cleaning the bathroom in the morning before my short day of work.

-Song By Enough people to make me listen to Christmas music starting in October!

My Funny Valentine

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY - Love, Jenn (not shown), George (on the right) and Gracie (on the left)

Taps

For Marine Julian Brennan who died in Afghanistan Friday January 23rd, 2009.

(Taken from the Arlington National Cemetery - where Julian will be buried- website)

The Hero

The angel hovered just above-
The lifeless form below-
A life that started with a cry-
Not many years ago.

Come now my son, you must arise-
Your work here now is ended-
You have fought for right and freedom-
Your country you have defended.

We go now to another place-
Where peace and love abide-
And join your comrades who will greet you-
In your heavenly home on high.

All those you love, and those who love you-
In their hearts you will forever be-
The one who gave his very all-
That the living may be free.

Hail To The Chief

Just a Quick post (since I have to leave for work soon) to say I'm scared and want to hope. I am afraid of what we just swore in to lead our country. I want to believe him. I want to believe in the betterment of the state of our great nation. I want to believe things will get better for so many in despair. I want to believe that this can be done without make my life worse (higher taxes for middle class, forcing me to pay for "programs" I don't support, etc.). I want to see the good "change" the blind followers feel and see. I want to believe we can rise to the "Great" country we once were, both in our eyes and that of other countries (even if it was fear in their eyes).I want to not think back to the many who followed Hitler believing. I want to not worry about the Big Brother syndrome of little by little changes that result in many blind followers and a huge change in the world from the top down. I want to ignore history and believe - or at least believe things won't get worse. I want to believe, but I can't. And I'm afraid. And I'm sad. And I'm praying. LOTS of praying.

- Song by -not sure who wrote it, but I love the lyrics from My Fellow Americans. :)

Pepto Commercial Song

Seeing as how my baking night was derailed by what I can only guess was a bout of food "discontent" from my suck-y lunch, I'll do this between trips to the littlest room in the house. From Meg - who will be the BEST mom! I'm so happy for you, Andy and little "S"

8 Shows I Watch: (most of these are now courtesy of Hulu.com)

1. 30 Rock
2. Bones
3. House
4. Whose Wedding Is It Anyway?
5. Clean House
6. Fox Football Pre-game Sunday with Terry, Jimmy, Michael and the other guy.
7. Army Wives
8. Monk

8 Favorite Restaurants:

1. Franco's (Aww...Meg...I miss 42nd Street and Ham's! Oh Chips and Ranch! I think I'm a tad homesick now)
2. Cheesecake Factory
3. Champp's
4. PF Chang's
5. Redstone (for Brunch. Yum!)
6. Does Chick-Fil-A count? I eat there a TON!
7. PJ's
8. And I'll have to say Ham's

8 Things That Happened to Me Today:

1. Apparently suck-y lunch and the aftermath
2. Got the filling for the cake I'm making for dinner tomorrow night done.
3. Delivered neighbors' Red Velvet mini-cakes for Christmas
4. Got a YellowTail Merlot from boss for Christmas
5. Was told by basketball coach he "approves" of my outfit. Which was better than the "You look spiffy" of the last two time I got dressed for games. (Have I mentioned I'm a little hesitant about where this is headed, if anywhere? I don't know if uncomfortable is the right word, maybe on edge)
6. Had an old handicapped woman BEEP at me because I was walking behind her car in the parking lot when she decided to back out. I ran to get out from behind her car, she saw me after she inched backward a little, then beeped at me and glared. Are ya kiddin' me?!?!? Merry Christmas, Idiot Woman. (see my spirit?)
7. Got to go through the express lane at the grocery store (where I got my suck-y lunch) in the cafe area, so no waiting - since I was buying mom bread for her neighbor gifts while picking up my lunch. (nope, won't mention it again)
8. Pinched nerve in my neck. That's what I get for constantly lifting full 6 gallon coolers and an inappropriate for Athletic Training cart! I might learn.

8 Things I Have to Look Forward to:

1. Presents. I vascilate between feeling VERY blessed that I have what I have and wanting stuff for me. I think it's because I'm bored, in a rut and trying to fill this empty space deep inside. Another part because I think I'm generally a good person - I try hard - and feel some "what about me?".
2. New Year's Day off. One of only two days this holiday I won't have to go to work. Actually, I won't have to go ANYWHERE. Yay me!
3. Kitties.
4. Dessert tomorrow. (PLEASE keep your fingers crossed it turns out. The filling is yummy - I sampled some while I was making it this morning - and I hope the cake follows suit.)
5. The possibility of a vacation (besides NATA) this summer.
6. Seeing old friends - work, high school, college
7.
8.

8 Things I Wish For:

1. Snow (if it's gonna be cold, it should snow!)
2. Prince Charming
3. Some peace of mind (which goes hand in hand with #2 and #4
4. To have kids
5. To get rid of the jealousy I feel often anymore
6. Some semblance of order in my house (I mean, it has been 2 years that I've lived here! You'd think I'd be able to find things, or set up my guest bedroom, or have gone through SOME of my g-parents stuff left behind)
7. Summer
8. At this moment, for my stomach to settle and feel better so I can fall asleep.

Play along if you'd like!!! Merry CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!

Song by whomever those commercial people are. I feel like crap, so picking a song wasn't easy! :)

Blessed

Hi Strangers!

I know it's been awhile. Sorry. New job adjusting and I'm trying not to computer from bed b/c I think it gives me nightmares.

When I first moved into my new house, I was feeling stressed and down and not like it was my house at all. To combat some feelings of crap, I started a journal of writing down at least one thing every day I was thankful for (or reasons why I was blessed). Since it's a season of love and sharing, I thought I'd share some excerpts for you all.....(not in any specific order)

• Chocolate Coconut Cream Cheesecake from Cheesecake Factory
• Real Sudafed
• My cousin John (who comes rain or shine and takes out my trash and recycling every week)
• Miss Alabama hair
• The Salt Air
• Mini-golf
• Spending money like you've got it
• Miscommunication and sleeping so soundly 2 people are beating down the sides of your house to make sure you're o.k.
• Mimosas
• The people who love me and understand I'm not a morning person
• 4 year old birthdays, horse farms and Annapolis water
• My new 3 year old boyfriend ("I love her." "Who?" "The girl in the pink shirt")and being "part of the family"
• My family (who individually or collectively made the list every day for the 3 months I did it. Hey! 3 months is a LOOONG time for me!)

I decided to try it again and see how it goes. I know in this time and place I am lucky to have the things I have, the people I have and to be able to do what I do.

-Song by Martina McBride

Pleasant Valley Sunday

Here are some things I learned this weekend (I'm including Friday as "weekend"):

1. If really pressed, I would have trouble spending money. It reaffirms my feelings that I should win the lottery because all that money wouldn't spoil me! :)
   
2. When it rains, it pours. (kitchen sink clogged, fire alarm went off and door almost blew off the hinges and I was out of ice cubes all within 25 minutes)
3. If I put my mind to it, I can get things done. So, I could do it, I just don't want to! :)
   
4. No matter how much I think I'm getting accomplished, it doesn't look any different around here.
5. I AM in the Christmas spirit.
6. I'm becoming a bitter, "set in my ways" old woman!
7. I can totally lose time in a day watching t.v or turning on my home computer.
8. I am ready to be a "mom". Now I just have to go pick kittens out. (I'm already planning their names! :) )
   
9. Pictures reaffirm that college really is the best time of your life.
10. I am always thankful for the help around the house, but sometimes it would be better (read- less stressful) if I just did it myself.
11. It's December. (That's more for me than you guys. I just "realized" it is December and I'm pressed for time with mom's birthday present AND Christmas for mom and dad.)
12. It's really disappointing when you get all settled in to watch Miracle on 34th Street and it ends up being the stupid color version!
    
13. Sometimes you can pick up the phone and talk to a friend you haven't seen or talked to in awhile and pick up right where you left off.
14. Spending a day in your pajamas is AWESOME!
15. Palm trees always make me smile.
16. I am stubborn. I KNOW I am allergic to pine trees. I know they hurt my head and thank goodness I remembered ENOUGH to not buy inside pine, but I don't know why I thought the wreath I bought wouldn't bother me in the car on the way home. I do this quite often in my life and you'd think I'd remember it, but I don't
17. I like living in a cave. Funny, coming from someone who'd rather be in a sunny, warm state. Now that I bought my thick, thermal curtains my house is so nice and dark. Could for cocooning.
18. I'm selfish. I keep thinking "I want" and really believe I should have. I think my Christmas list could be 10 pages long this year!
19. I'm a snob. I'm trying so hard to let go at work, but I'm feeling like a Square Peg in round hole. (BTW, I LOVED that t.v. show!)
20. There is no joy in my job anymore. I just don't feel happy about going to work or being at work like I used to. I'm hoping this changes. I'm hoping it's just a growing pain and a result of being in a new place and change. I'm kind of secretly hoping it leads to joy in another aspect of my life. The "one door closes, another opens" mentality I guess.

-Song by The Monkees

In My Head

Sorry it's been awhile. I keep meaning to come on. I know, you hear it often. Soooo...time for rambling stuff from me!

• I've been thinking alot about random people. Erin pops into my head alot lately. Ben, my old roommates from Sr. yr. in college's friend who loved my Mav Man and used to tuck me in at night and play me music. It's strange. I keep thinking of the line from Alice In Wonderland "People come and go so quickly around here". Amen to that in MY head, sweetheart!
• I'm liking my job a little bit more. I am starting to get a better handle on the organizing of my space, but for some reason all AT skill seems to feel like it's filtered out of my head. I got a small victory yesterday when our QB came in with xrays that seemed to prove right what I'd been saying for 2 weeks prior. I'd even started to waiver and doubt. I still feel slightly like a stranger and some days go a whole day without a conversation with another person (besides my mother). It's a process, I know and I'm trying. I do have my doubts as to whether I'll ever fit in here. I just hope I can settle in to feeling good about the job switch soon.
  
• Along with random people, random moments pop into my head often before I go to sleep. Mostly embarassing or horrible moments - like in h.s. (9 or 10th grade) when I had jewelry stolen from swim practice. I can feel the feeling, the heat rushing to my face, the sinking feeling in my stomach like it was yesterday. Also moments like the guy rear-ending me two months ago, making up my own sign language night...I'm surprised I'm not dreaming yet of showing up in public naked or my teeth falling out. These at least are "symbols" I understand. Reliving bad events in my life aren't. I can't figure out why they pop into my head or how to make them stop. It's almost always as I am trying to fall asleep.
• If any Catholics are reading, could you please ask St. Anthony to make an appearance at my house? I'm missing a ring and I SWEAR I've looked everywhere. I keep having "blackout" moments in my memory. I simply can't remember certain steps of a day, week, etc. It's getting better than it was 2 months ago, when I lost my work keys (never found them, I think I threw them in the trash. I think this because when I got a new set, I almost threw THEM in the trash!), the above mentioned ring and a few other things I have no idea when I saw them last or what I did with them. That chunk of time is just gone. Maybe some divine intervention and I'm pretty sure no one up there listens to me. which begs the question why I keep talking? I guess I figure eventually they'll put two and two together and go "THAT'S what that noise was!"
• I decorated my house for Christmas and it always makes me feel more homey and cozy. I have to do the outside lights and I swear I'm missing a box of Christmas stuff, as the decor looks sparse. I know I'm missing a nativity (my mom calls it the economy version) and I'm pretty sure some ornaments.
  
• I have also bought a few presents, but other than what I have, have NO idea what to get for anyone. I'm not feeling like spending money or buying anyone anything this year. I'm not feeling generous toward the people I love. Is that wrong? My heart goes out to strangers, the unemployed, homeless, down-and-out lately (I watched that Secret Millionaire show on Hulu.com today and although I thought the millionaires at time looked like cheesy millionaires, I cried through alot of it.) but not anyone close (in proximity) or immediate family (mom, dad, sister). Thus making it hard to shop. I'm thinking about charity donations, but what fun are they to open on Christmas and would my family enjoy it or be disappointed (ultimately; not on the surface when you look like a horrible person if your Christmas present money was donated to charity and you are upset and crushed you didn't get a shiny new gift)?? And I feel bad because if I didn't have to work all holiday, I'm pretty sure my dad would have us all swept off to Bermuda because we'd all like to run away this year!
  
• How come when I look around the clutter in my house everything makes sense why it's where it is, but I never seem to fix it. For instance, I have two bags of clothes to give away to the Vets. They make sense why they're in the floor in my office, but why don't I ever call the vets and get them out of there? I mentally have everything neat and tidy, I just don't ever follow through. I need those Clean House people. Well, maybe not them. I want someone who will kick my "give away/keep/sell" butt in gear, as well as someone who can help me with the finishing touches on MY decorating.
• I think the 2-9pm schedule agrees with me, but lets see how long this last. I've been getting things done, I have energy at work, I'm losing weight b/c I'm bringin my dinners to work, so I'm eating less.
  
• I'm feeling sad. Not really sure why most of the time, just sad. lonely. and I keep comforting myself with Peppermint Latte. Luckily my weight is down from all the "taking dinners"or I'd be 1000 pounds right now. I wish I could find away to comfort myself through exercise.
  
• I'm back to thinking eHarmony is my only option. It makes me even sadder, spirals me into a "how the heck did I get here? Where did my future go? what kind of life is this when the only things you've ever wanted from life elude you?" and then I feel like a pathetic, unattractive, loser. This brings me to defiantly rebel against the eHarmony option, just prolonging the time I spend alone. I think I'd be o.k. if someone could SHUT OFF the stupid biological clock AND society (drs. included) who keep reminding me I'm not getting younger.
• Why didn't anyone warn me that in adulthood, I would not get zits, but big red lumps (I think they're the size of Texas, but I think really pea sized) that swell my face so I look like I was sucker punched then slowly "shrink" over what feels like years! I swear no one in days has seen my eyes because they are looking at the right side of my chin that's swollen with a big, red, shiny mountain on it. I think given the options I'd take the zits!
• I'm back on my meds, can you tell? I'm a different mood inside every 5 minutes. Isn't that fun?!?! The good part is, I only share them through writing or with my said loved ones from above. Otherwise, people must think I'm pretty even keel! :) I'm HOPING once I get used to them again, it'll all go away.
• Time for bed. Beware of the stupid people driving. They appear to be everywhere! Let's just make that stupid people! And they ARE everywhere. Peace Out Cub Scouts! :)
  

-Song by Kiss

Seven

Hi Everyone!

My friend Meg asked on her blog to list 7 things you are looking forward to in the next 7 weeks. Here it goes....

1) Thanksgiving. It's one of my favorite holidays. I love the food, the football, the napping after food and during football! :) I usually work a FB game in the morning and am told this year it may not be a good one. I'm hoping it'll be better than expected, so as not to ruin my food holiday! :)

2) Christmas Shopping. I really do enjoy the holiday. I wish they wouldn't rush it. I like finding just the right gift for people and the music and the decorations and the happy warm feelings. I like these things in December. For 25 days. Not starting Nov 1st or worse, October 29th. Please, don't overdo the holiday like we overdo everything else. I'm tired of it.

3) Dinner at Aunt Lois'. I enjoy seeing her and her family, I just wish there weren't so many people and that I could stay in my jammies all day on Christmas. I like Dad's idea of going away this year. If only I didn't have to work all holiday week! :(

4) The change of season (sports, that is). While I'm not a huge fan of Winter sports, I'm ready to not be the "new athletic trainer" to a group of athletes at the end of the end of their seasons.

5) Opening and using my coffee maker. In June a graduating Sr. gave us a Keurig coffee maker for our office. As a going away present, our coaches, administrators and Bill got me one for my new office. I've been waiting for a day where I can park near the door and carry it in, instead of carrying it from across the street where I park to my office. I'm thinking that day is VERY near. (I just worry b/c every faculty member has a key to my office and I don't want it stolen or broken. I found a hiding place for it - on a shelf/bench behind my filing cabinet and plan on locking the coffee in a cabinet. Is that wrong? :) )

6) My new Athletic Training room. I'm making progress! I got a broom, cleaned some stuff out, rearranged the supplies and Monday I'll be measuring for shelves and picture frames the Maintainence man will be getting Monday evening and putting up on Tuesday. I'm SO excited.

7) 2009. Every year I try and get organized and "together" to start the year off in place. I remain hopeful that THIS is THE year. That it will be happy and positive and full of love.

-Song by Sunny Day Real Estate

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